I spent my Tuesday consumed in a group message with three of my best friends in which we held a tournament to decide who my ultimate celebrity crush is. I won’t tell you the winner (because I need to spare the hearts of those who didn’t make the cut) but I will tell you that they are very lucky I have deigned them worthy of my affection. Why? Because I am the perfect girlfriend.
Why Morgan Hegarty is the Perfect Girlfriend (And Band Members You Should Date Her)
1. She makes a mean plate of spaghetti
Katy approved my cooking. Future boyfriends should note that.
I don’t mean to brag, but my cooking skills are quite exceptional. I make a mean pasta dish and I ain’t afraid to use it. I’m also quite skilled in baking. That’s right, I will make you cupcakes on a whim. Don’t even try telling me that’s not a perfect girlfriend quality.
2. She can find a song for every occasion
Having a bad day? Having a good day? Having a super weird, completely unexpected day? Well, this girl knows how to find a song that will fit your mood and will serenade you (badly) until you feel completely satisfied in life. Oh, and I will sing “Do You Wanna Build a Snowman” until you join in.
3. She can be your travel agent
Highly efficient and always looking for the perfect price, how could you not want a girl who lives for booking trips? Think of it as a chance to cuddle and book your flight at the same time without having to leave the comforts of your own home. I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but that is not an offer you can refuse.
4. The cuddles
Do not look up pictures of cuddling on the Internet. IT. WILL. SCAR. YOU.
Here’s the thing: Everyone is going to say they give great cuddles, but do they have four hours of footage of them cuddling (it was for a music video)? No. I am renown for being an awesome cuddler and I radiate heat, so if you’re cold and lonely, what you are looking for is right here!
5. She is an expanse of celebrity knowledge
Want to know what’s going on with just about any celebrity you can think of? Hello, you have the queen of celebrity gossip sitting at your feet. One of my proudest moments is my co-worker asking another co-worker Justin Long’s relationship status and without pause I not only answered her, but filled her in on his last five year in the dating world. Yes, this is the girl you want on your side for trivia.
6. Her bum is approved
After a very awkward walk around my old high school track, I am now aware that apparently I have an, “Awesome a$$,” as told by high school boys, and a twelve-year-old once said I have a ghetto booty. In all honesty, I sit on my bum and watch Netflix, so you know that the couch is doing wonders for me!
7. She is your IT person
Is your computer broken? You’re looking at a hired IT worker who can fix your computer, add software, and anything else you could possibly want to do with your laptop. Plus, I’m certified in Mac and PC.
8. She prefers Netflix and generational dates
If you want to sit on your couch and watch Netflix and eat pizza, I’m up for it. If you want to choose a random age and go on a date (hello, pretend we’re 70 and yell at kids on lawns) I am completely up for it. But, if you want to go to Chuck E. Cheese and then watch Netflix, you’ve basically described my perfect date. Don’t forget the pizza!
9. She will quote movies at any time she sees fit
I have a terrible habit of relating everything to films. Especially anything from “The Boat That Rocked.” Because any opportunity I have to say, “Remember folks, it ain’t simple being cool, but it’s cool being simple,” is an opportunity well taken.
10. She gets what a video game is
If you want to discuss video games, I will sit and listen and pretend to understand while thinking, “You almost done? I want to go play Sims.” Because Sims is the best game.
11. She’s the least intimidating person you’ll ever meet
Imagine a small puppy, a fluffy chick, and a guinea pig. Are you imagining? Well, the intimidation factor of that animal = my intimidation factor. Aka, I’m an adorable puppy/chick/guinea pig combination and perfect for dating!
Okay, guys! That was fun! I hope you got your laughs out like I did and have a super lovely weekend! I’ll see you soon!
Stay classy, Internet,
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