This past weekend was one of the best I’ve had in a while because I got to see two of my favourite people. And seeing them both back-to-back really opened my eyes to friendship, relationships, and how they relate to me.
The first friend I saw I’ve known for about a decade and has been one of the people closest to me for the last four years. She’s seen all of my ups and downs and knows how much I’ve changed. She knows me from before college, to the person I was during my year and a half long relationship, to me now post-relationship, post-college, post-emotional breakdowns. As we got ready for a party and ate our tamales (because it wouldn’t be us without food) we obviously broached the subject of my old relationship. She knows it’s a touchy subject, and I know that I’m so over it I could build a bridge, so talking about it usually involves telling hilarious anecdotes about the mistakes made during that time. And I appreciate it because it reminds me that while I don’t have regrets, I’m ready for that next step. She’s been there for me during every step of the last two years, and as I talk about my next step, I’m really glad that she’s with me.
The second friend I saw I met in college. We were roommates the entire time and she doesn’t know me as extensively as Friend One. Most of our relationship took place when I was figuring out college, in my year and half relationship, and the disaster I was after that relationship ended. I haven’t seen her in about six month, when I’ve made some impressive changes to myself. Half of the time I’ve known her I was – for lack of a better word and to risk sounding petty – brainwashed with my relationship. So when we talk about said relationship, usually with rolling our eyes and conspiracies, once again I’m reminded how ready I am for that next step. She lived with me when I cried because we’d had a fight, she knows what’s up, and talking about my dating life with her made me come to the realization of exactly what the next step was.
So…what is the next step? You’ve read this basically boring blog post about what an emotional wreck I am and now you want the pay-off. Here it is:
I am ready for a relationship again.
Yeah, okay, that’s cool, didn’t you date someone over the summer? Yes. And got cold feet after a month and now I live two hours away from him. It takes a while to move past a relationship, especially when it ends in flames and he has his sword in your back. Yes, you can date like I did, but committing to someone and opening up to them again is really hard. I have major trust issues and the idea of letting someone into my life intimately again terrified me. But now I’m ready for falling asleep on the phone telling our hopes and dream. For letting someone see me cry when we watch cute movies. For telling someone I love them. And forcing them to watch Law & Order: SVU when I wake up in the middle of the night.
The point of this blog post, despite revealing very personal information about myself, is that sometimes you have to talk about the thing you hate with people who know you to realize what to do next. Whether that’s taking up every cliched dating tip you’ve ever read or something else.
And that’s friendships & relationships & me.
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Stay classy, Internet,
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