- Jul 24, 2016
- 3 min read

Jobs I Would Succeed At (So Hire Me)

As I sit in my papasan chair wearing sweats and eating ravioli with my college degree sitting beside me, I realize I am now in the job market.

Getting a job is easier said than done, as you all know, and as I begin searching for something to help utilize and grow my skills, I’m realizing that all the jobs I want are not available. I’m plenty qualified in my own mind, but the jobs that are for me just aren’t a thing.

Below I have a made a list of jobs I would do amazing at, yet are unavailable:

Morgan’s (Probably Nonexistent) Dream Jobs

1. The nanny for Tom and Giovanna Fletcher’s sons

If you aren’t familiar with the Fletchers, you’ve likely seen Tom’s wedding speech. The couple now has two very adorable boys (Buzz and Buddy) who I think are the cutest little boys on the planet. I would love to be their nanny. We could play Star Wars in the yard, make fresh chocolate cookies on Saturdays, and talk about Christmas 365 days a year. I feel I would fit in with the family very well, and yet they don’t need a nanny.

2. Tweet writer for Prince George

Everyone is obsessed with Prince George, and until he learns how to write, he needs to have someone write his tweets for his adoring public. I imagine the duties of this job would be to spend all day with the youngster, have intelligent conversations with Kate, and write about 10 tweets a day about playing in the grass, wearing seersucker, and how excited he is to watch the latest Peppa Pig episode. I know what the prince likes.

3. Late-to-class stand-in

Ever been late to class by less than five minutes? I would like to offer my services to sit in your seat until you arrive. You’ll never get a tardy again because your seat won’t be empty, and a perfect imitation of your voice will say “Here!” when your name is called. I’m currently advertising to high school students and anyone who has ever taken a very strict professor who still takes attendance into grading.

4. Honest clothing advice giver

If you take a friend into the dressing room, they aren’t going to tell you that you have camel toe, especially if you offended them by saying their boyfriend smells weird. That’s why you have me, your unbiased shopping partner with a penchant for being harsh about clothing. For the bargain price of $11/hr, I will tell you everything that could possibly be wrong with what you tried on and will suggest better more flattering choices. And for an added fee, I will keep my opinions on ridiculous trends to myself.

5. Kendall Jenner’s personal assistant

Okay, I think this job is real and I want it. I feel like Kendall Jenner would be the most interesting boss ever, mostly because I think she just wants to lie around all the time, and yet has all these responsibilities. Not to mention she goes on really great vacations. I would love to be paid just to schedule her nap times, when the Kardashian cameras are coming around, and to head to the store to buy her very minimal grocery list.

So yeah, please hire me!

Stay classy, Internet,