I wanted this to be funny, but then I realized that I’m adding insult if I do, so it’s kind of sad and just very emotional. I apologize in advance.
I’m a hopeless romantic and I fall hard. I fall so hard that when it ends I struggle to get over it. That’s what this is. It’s an open place where we talk about something that people don’t talk about – breaking up. We live in this culture when when a relationship ends we are told immediately to get over them and move on. You don’t need them in your life and it’s time to flit to the next relationship on your path of finding your one and only. And I think that’s what happens when people do break up, they get over the mourning as soon as possible and find someone who will make them feel awesome.
But isn’t the mourning kind of important?
A little under three months ago the person who I thought I had a future with – moving in, marriage, the whole shebang – and I broke up. It was a whirlwind, first love kind of thing and it ended about as abruptly as it started. He was my everything, and now, well, he’s kind of my nothing. And while our breakup was pretty messy and yet we’re on good terms, I’m still sort of mourning everything we had in those 17 months that makes up so much of who I am now.
In a relationship, whether it be good, bad, or a mix of the two, you change. Whether it’s now you have a penchant for eating their favourite Oreos or your personality morphs, there is a change that comes from allowing another person to be so intimate in your life. For me, some of those changes were good, and others weren’t the most positive. But I wouldn’t trade them. These changes mark a chapter in my life that at this moment is who I am. And as others chapters happen I will change, but this chapter will always be in the book.
This blog post is particularly difficult to write because no one person can write a blog post on all relationships and breakups. Not even me, as amazing as I am. But I can write about my own relationships and breakups and that’s what I’m doing. I’m breaking the stigma on what society tells us to do about breakups by talking about how I am doing, letting you make the choice on what is best for you.
I do not regret my breakup. I don’t want anyone to think I do. What happened is the best for both of us – for me with my upcoming career changes and him with his new girlfriend and grad school. And while it does hurt to see our lives so separate to the point where I wonder exactly when the love left our relationship, I know that the changes we experienced during our relationship are what caused us to grow apart. And I am really happy because I know he is in a much happier place because of what our relationship did. And that’s what you want for the people you love, isn’t it?
Yes, I do still love him. I’m not in love with him, but you will always love your first love. It’s the crappiest part of life but something that must be dealt with. You want them to be happy. You want them to be surrounded by people who care about them and will give them the fulfilling life you wanted for them when you were dating. And I’d like to hope he would want the same for me, but I can only speak for myself.
After we broke up, and to this day where I’m writing this, the biggest thing I learned about breaking up is that the worst part is the loneliness. And I think that’s why society tells us to have rebounds or to find the next ‘love of our lives’. Because being lonely is about the worst thing on the planet. I once bought a guinea pig just because I felt lonely. And as our breakup continues to settle around me and I see my daily life and my social life change, it’s the loneliness that settles. That’s what you mourn in the relationship, the companionship. Yes, I have friends to grab drinks with and watch High School Musical on a regular basis, but there’s some things friends can’t replace. It’s the cuddles on the couch while watching The PowerPuff Girls. It’s the getting on each other’s nerves while grocery shopping. It’s the late nights staying up until 5am talking about whatever because it’s like time’s frozen as you lose yourself in them.
That’s what I mourn.
And now that a reasonable time has passed and I have given my first true romantic relationship the mourning I believe it deserves, it’s okay that I move on. It still hurts and I cringe internally whenever I see a picture of him and his girlfriend on Facebook, but after mourning I know that we are both in better places and that’s what really mattered to me from the beginning. And for all I know love might be around the next corner (though I hope not, I’m very focused on my pretend relationship with Logan Lerman right now) so it’s time to make this blog post declaring that it’s okay to not act like your breakup was a bug on the windshield.
I’m okay, I’m good, I’m currently opening a freelance business, I’m enjoying spending time with people I love, and most of all, I’m happy that he’s happy and we can both be happy separately.
That’s the hopeless romantic in me talking.
I want to thank everyone in advance for being respectful of my decisions for this blog post and for helping to make this place a comfortable place to discuss feelings and other tough topics.
Stay classy, Internet,
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